Life 101

Okay - I'm feeling philosophical at this point. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I have come to a couple of conclusions. I want to write these so that I can REMEMBER them! I want to contemplate and periodically review them. I apologize ahead of time, I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. So here goes:


Through the course of life I believe that we are placed on different sides of the same situation. I believe this allows us the opportunity to experience the same thing through different perspectives. Case in point: I married into a family that only has one daughter. I was the first daughter-in-law. Is it coincidence that I only have one daughter? I don't think so! It just means that I have something that I need to learn to progress. I see it as an opportunity for me to be taught a "life-lesson". (Sometimes, I believe that we are placed in situations so that those closest to us have the opportunity to experience the other side of the situation and also learn "life-lessons"). In my circumstance, I felt like I had a hard time fitting in and feeling accepted. I don't believe that this was something that was done intentionally, but sometimes mothers and daughters have a special bond (especially when they are the only girls in a house full of boys). So fast forward - I am going to have the same situation a few years down the road. I believe that the trick comes in remembering how it was on the other side of the situation, taking the knowledge that you have acquired and applying the steps necessary to make a change. That is why I think we are commanded to keep journals so that we can REMEMBER what we felt (or blogs - is that sacrilegious? =) ) If you can -remember, learn and apply- successfully, you have learned a "life-lesson". When a difficult situtaion arises, I often find the need to ask myself - "What is it that I am supposed to learn from this?"
Now the other side of the coin - What if you don't apply the knowledge you have acquired? We often hear "Judge not that ye be not Judged", does that mean that the opposite is also true - If you judge you will be judged? Have you ever thought that maybe it will be you judging yourself? I can just imagine after we die, we will have the opportunity to review our life - kind of like a video tape. But I believe we will also have access to the feelings (our own and others) associated with each event. I can imagine on my video that this situation comes up, me as the new daughter-in-law trying to fit in; and I feel and hear the judgements that I have made. And then whamo-bamo there I am in the same situation viewing it through a different perspective, me as the mother, with my son's wife joining the family. I will have the opportunity to say: This is what I learned from the situation and this is what I did with that knowledge that I gained OR This is how I judged myself when I was on that side and consequently now all those judgements that I made apply to me because I didn't learn anything. How harsh can you imagine that would be? As much love, tolerance, patience and flexibility that you allowed were the EXACT same amount you were given. How much more just could it get?


Another nugget - Each of my kids have needs. The needs of one kid are not the needs of another kid. The need that each of them have today is not the same as it was five years ago, nor what it will be in five years. Just as their personalities are different so are their needs. The same reward, punishment, chore, or praise that works for one kid, doesn't work the same for any other. When it comes to needs, fair and equal are not the same thing. A person can be equal without being fair, and fair without being equal. Say that I give my kids all a treat (that was their need for the day). They each get 1 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I have been equal! But have I been fair? Bradin is 1/4 the size of Tayler, should Tayler have gotten 4? And Shelly hates Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (not really but she would have preferred a Starburst) and Ryan's idea of a treat is a nice snuggle with mom. I gave them each the SAME thing and I wasn't even in the ballpark with some of them to meet their need of having a treat. In an attempt to be equal, would I have to do exactly the same thing for each of them? Would I have to (eventually) purchase make-up for Tayler, Ryan and Bradin, just because Shelly got it? No way! That doesn't make sense! If I wanted to be fair, I would have to be anything but equal. If each kid needs a treat - Ryan would like an uninterrupted snuggle with mom, Shelly would want to go somewhere special, Tayler would want a video game or a deck of cards, and Bradin would want Chocolate Milk ( =) see earlier post) or anything else with high sugar-content. To fulfill the need of EACH kid, it would take different amounts of time, money, emotional involvement, and patience (have you seen Bradin when he is hyped-up on sugar?) Would it be fair that Bradin ALWAYS got chocolate milk, but Ryan NEVER got to snuggle with mom? Would it be fair to ALWAYS have Tayler's need met because it is easier to make a financial contribution rather than an emotional contribution? Different kids have different needs. If I try to address the needs of each kid the same, I am addressing none of them adequately! If I try to be equal, I am absolutely NOT being fair. The expectation is not to be equal, the expectation is to be fair! To be fair, I need to make sure that the diverse needs that each kid has is addressed according to their individual circumstances. Some kids are more vocal in the expression of their needs, but that doesn't mean that the quiet one that doesn't complain doesn't have needs too. Some needs are a result of life experiences, natural inborn tendencies, life choices or expectations and goals. My job as a mother is to help see that the needs of my children are met. This can seem like a long and arduous task, as we consider all of the different types of needs (temporal, spiritual, physical, emotional) and the vast differences that range from child to child. However, the "payoff" is incredible - we are allowed a glimpse. We get a tiny understanding of selfless unconditional love. We have the opportunity to lose our self in the service of another. To put someone else before us. To watch someone grow and develop and overcome. To make someone stronger because of our presence. To make that person feel confident, buoyed-up, and loved. The opportunity to meet these needs are the very essence of motherhood, and the glimpse it provides allows us to feel about our children the same way Heavenly Father feels about us. I need to focus on being FAIR - NOT EQUAL!


Some other things to keep in mind:
I never want my house to be so clean that it is not comfortable.
I never want to bite my tongue so much that it cuts off communication.
I never want someone I love to wonder if I love them.
I never want to focus so much on the fact that my husband is folding the clothes in halves instead of thirds that I lose site of the fact that he is folding clothes (helping anyways).
I never want to stop trying to put myself in another person's place so that I can understand the situation from their perspective.
I never want the needs of those that are quiet to go unnoticed and unmet.
I never want my kids to tease each other so much that they go away hurt.
I never want to make anyone feel like they can't do anything right in my eyes.
I never want to turn away from something because it is hard.
I never want to stop making progress because I am stubborn.
I never want to forget that I am loved.


Okay I have to admit it - If anyone has read through to this point I am amazed!! But I needed to write this for me. It is important that I keep the important things important!!